No shit, Sherlock.

I was lucky to have four years of not being in employment while I worked full time on trying to earn a viable living from my coaching business. In this period, I did fuckloads of personal development work, including discovering the joy of mindfulness and meditation; opening up to new ways of thinking and being; growing my self-awareness, self-acceptance and self-trust; becoming more at peace with myself and the world.

It was bloody brilliant, and I often wondered if I'd have been better able to deal with my old corporate life if I'd known then what I was now learning.

Fast forward to today, when I'm now in part-time employment to boost my income (one of the things I learned about myself was that I wasn't willing to compromise my belief in what coaching is and how it helps in order to make more money), and I've discovered that it's much harder to apply all those learnings and tools when you're under pressure, and in an environment designed to suit people who aren't you.

If you're thinking something along the lines of "No shit, Sherlock" then you're quite right. But how easy is it to see it when you're in the midst of it? And how easy is it to treat yourself with gentleness when it's happening?

For me, it turns out that the answers are "Pretty damn tricky, actually" and "Erm, is that an option? Why didn't I think of that?"

I was so busy telling myself that I SHOULD be able to cope better and beating myself up for not doing so, not to mention raging at the inefficiencies and unfairnesses (is that a word?) of the environment I was working in, that I failed to focus on what I can do to cope better.

Under pressure, the patterns of thinking and behaving that I spent most of my life defaulting to were easier to access than the shiny new ones I was in the process of shaping. Once again, "No shit, Sherlock" and, once again, it's an easy thing to see from the outside, but not so much from the inside, right?

If you're expecting me to now produce a magic wand and tell you how to overcome this, then I'm afraid you're going to be disappointed.

Spoiler alert: there are no magic wands, and anyone who tries to sell you one is a con artist.

But what I've realised is that the work I've done on myself wasn't wasted. Maybe it didn't forever eradicate half a century of programming and turn me into a Zen Master overnight, but it has given me the self-awareness to (eventually) recognise what was happening. And those little moments of recognition are pattern interruptors, aren't they?

Will I glide through my working day tomorrow on a fluffy pink cloud, smiling beatifically, and chanting Om in the face of unreasonable demands and general rudeness?

Fuck no.

Will there be the occasional passive-aggressive response and a lot of swearing under my breath? Will I still over-indulge in caffeine and sugar to get through the day without being sacked for gross misconduct and/or running screaming from the building?

Almost certainly - I’m not proud of it, but I’m doing my best to be honest and realistic here!

Will I take a few moments now and then to just breathe, to watch all the stressy emotions raging through me, rather than being swept away by them? Will I focus more on looking for the light in the dark - the satisfaction of completing a task, the people who say thank you, the moments of laughter? Will I remind myself that I always have a choice, that this is what I’ve chosen, that I am free to consider other choices? Will I head home feeling a bit less pissed off, and bend my poor husband’s ear a bit less than I have been doing?

I hope so. It’s certainly the plan.

Wish me luck!